Greenzone Online

1. Don’t buy anything. First of all, buying things cost money. Secondly, it creates waste. You never know what evil, polluting corporation profits from what you buy. If you don’t buy anything, corporations will lose money. Everyone non-evil benefits. So don’t buy anything. If you have to buy something (which you shouldn’t do), shop at thrift stores and garage sales and peruse craigslist. Second-hand items are cheaper and better for the earth because they keep waste out of landfills and prevent new items from being created.

2. Sweat during the summer. Never turn on your air conditioner. It uses energy and costs you money. Sweat is the body’s natural coolant, so use it. If you have to turn on the air conditioning, keep the thermostat at 78 degrees. It will save you electricity and force you to bring that pair of short shorts out of retirement.

3. Grow a beard. Beards are sexy and great for the environment. Shaving cream often contains harmful chemicals that are bad for your skin and bad for the earth. Plus, it all costs money. The water that you use to shave could have quenched the thirst of millions. Razors must be thrown away after a few uses, creating excess waste. So don’t shave. Ladies, you can join the fight as well. If your significant other protests your hairy legs and pits, tell him or her to grow up. Hair is natural and will make you look like a sophisticated European. Recycline offers a triple blade that’s cheaper than name brands (Amazon has a bulk pack of 24 blades for under $28, plus free shipping), a perfect way to green your green. And after you use the razors, the company offers a printable postage-paid label to mail them back to be recycled.

4. Don’t throw anything away. Throwing things away hurts the environment by polluting the soil, air, and water. Trash in landfills (more like “landfulls”) takes years to biodegrade, if it can biodegrade at all. Plus all of the extra milk jugs and candy wrappers lying around your house will certainly come in handy one day (homemade raft anyone?), thus saving you money. If you hang onto to everything long enough, our inevitable nuclear apocalypse will quickly incinerate the trash. Problem solved! If you can’t live with all that trash in your house, reuse what you can, recycle what you can, compost what you can, and throw away what’s left over.

5. Don’t have any friends. Friends cost money. They forget their wallets and ask you to pay for their tabs. They split the bill at restaurants evenly, even though they ordered an appetizer, dessert, and a glass of wine that was not included in the happy hour promotion. Plus you always have to drive to their place, wasting gas and money. Avoid friends. However, living with friends is fine because you won’t have to drive anywhere to see them, and the more people living in a house, the fewer resources are used per person. If you have to have friends, and they refuse to live with you, carpool. Cook at home to save money and ensure the use of organic ingredients.

6. Burn all books. If we burned every offensive book in the country (which is almost all of them), it would produce enough energy to power Pittsburgh for a million years. Think of how bright Pittsburgh would be in the year 973,298! And no more of that rabble rouser Harry Potter to worry about. In addition to the offensive books, burn the ones that you were pretentious enough to buy (which you shouldn’t have done because you’re not supposed to be buying anything) and never got a chance to read. Anna Karenina threw herself in front of a train. There, now that you know, you can burn it without regrets. Burning books in your own home will lower heating costs and provide hours of free entertainment. If you think it’s wrong to burn books, then the least you can do is borrow from the library instead of buying new books. Library books are free and allow for fewer trees to be cut down than buying new books. Check out thrift stores for reduced prices on popular books. Half.com and Amazon Marketplace offer tons of used books at great prices. You can also go green by purchasing electronic books (no paper, no waste) or books printed on recycled paper or a form of plastic.

7. Stop watching TV. Plasmas typically use more energy than LCDs. All flat screen production involves a harmful gas. When the average American household has the TV on for eight hours a day, that energy use adds up. It’s expensive and bad for the environment. No cable subscription means no monthly charge, also saving money. Unless you’ve tuned in to see what happens on the next installment of Desperate Housewives, you’re wasting your life in front of the TV anyway (Why Desperate Housewives? It’s a proven fact that not finding out the ending to a cliffhanger involving sexy middle-age women can cause cancer. You’ve been warned!). If you have to watch TV, buy an energy efficient model and cut the extra channels. Is HBO2 really necessary? And turn it off when it’s not being watched. It will save you money, help the earth, and keep you from wasting your life watching The Hills.

8. Don’t procreate! Children are expensive and use precious resources. They say that it costs over $200,000 to raise a child to the age of 18. Just think of how many Recycline razors you could buy with that money! Children drink water, eat food, breathe oxygen, the list goes on and on. If you must have a child, research adoption options. If it’s right for you, it helps control the population and protects our limited resources. If you have your own children, teach them environmental practices from a young age. A child reared on natural whole wheat bread and organic soap will likely continue to buy those products as an adult. To save money and help the earth, buy second-hand clothes and keep your compact car. Side curtain airbags have made even the most compact of cars very safe. Save the SUV or minivan for when you’ve birthed a half-dozen tots.

9. Freeze in the winter. Never turn on your heater. In cold climates, heaters use much more energy maintaining a comfortable climate than air conditioners will ever use in the hottest of climates. Instead of using your heater, eat of lot of fatty foods (preferably stale donuts from the Krispy Kreme dumpster (thereby reducing waste and saving money, once again)) to build up a layer of insulating blubber. If you have to turn on your heater, keep the thermostat at 67 degrees. It’s just cold enough to justify the Huxtable sweater you have hidden in your closet.

10. Eat only what you can grow yourself. Food is expensive, but it’s much cheaper if you can grow it yourself. Plus you control how it’s grown, limiting toxins and pesticides. Any time you use your blood, sweat, and love to grow a potato, that potato tastes just like your blood, sweat, and love (delicious!). If you can’t survive only on what you can grow, buy organic when possible. Bulk organic items are often cheaper than their conventional counterparts from a traditional grocery store. Hit the sales at your local Whole Foods, Wild Oats, or Trader Joes. Anything makes a difference. If you work on slowly integrating organic and natural foods into your diet, you may not notice much of a price difference. Just learn to comparison shop, and it will make all the difference. But if you can help it, don’t buy anything!